is it me or is it you?

I could be anything you want me to be

A lonely star or a forbidden fantasy

Can be your wishful love

Or just a faint memory

To love you like no one can

Mesmerize you with all I have

To let you love tender

Just say it and I’ll surrender

I could be anything you want me to be

Could cast a spell or leave u with a lingering kiss,

Could hold you tight everyday, day after night

Things you could do which ain’t right

To love you like no one can

Make you feel more than a man

Bewitch you, tempt you to your darkest desire

Slide it off for you just to admire.

I could be anything that you want me to be

Everyday make you want more of me.

The day I thought I lost him!

Someone very wise said that you don’t value people around you until you lose them. Its true and an epiphany I am sure everyone must have had and maybe got over it too. Time takes it own time but helps you overcome the biggest losses of your life.

Kyro is my almost five year old dachshund dog.  He is literally everyone’s reason to smile in our family. Our day starts and ends with talking of him, talking to him and about him to anyone and everyone. Some people find it absurd that our only topic of discussion is Kyro. His eyes, his cute habits, his gestures, its almost impossible for anyone to not fall in love with him. There, like I said I could go on and on about him.

He is the most active and handsome dachshund that I have ever come across.  He can jump and play all day long and still would want to go for a drive whenever you walk toward the door. As soon as any of us gets home after a long day or in my case after two three days, he would run to the door and would not let you in  till he has jumped on you and licked you enough  while you rub his belly and his forehead. If he is in a good mood then he will lie down on his back and will not let you get in till you have lifted him up and hugged him tight. This treatment is reserved only for the people whom he loves. No stranger can manage to even ring the doorbell without him noticing it. He can scare off the biggest dogs and scariest looking people. Yes as I said he is our pride, our life.

Two days back he started limping suddenly and started wincing every time he walked. He slept almost all day and didn’t eat anything much. The next day my parents took him to the vet and the vet gave him a painkiller and asked to come back after two days. I went to see him that day itself. I rang the bell and waited for him to bark and come running to the door. I didn’t hear a sound. Not even his tapping footsteps rushing to the door. It was a sound I have been used to over 4 years now. The house has never been quiet when he is home. Two days ago it was. And I hated the sound of silence.

As I entered the hall, I saw him lying on his mini mattress with a blanket over him. He was looking at me with groggy eyes and I could see his tail wagging weakly but he couldn’t bark or move. My heart sank looking at that sight. I could see his frustration as he tried to get up and walk toward me. He couldn’t even stand and went back to his previous position. I wanted him to hug me and jump on me. I wanted him to bark, to play, to do anything but not sit like this. I gave him his favorite toys and tried to play with him but he refused to even acknowledge anything.  My mom who had brought her own mattress too and was lying down on the floor next to him told me his behavior w as due to the injection. I prayed to god it was that and not his pain. The thought that he would be like this forever or not be able to play again was too painful but not avoidable. I sat on the floor next to him for hours. All he did was breathe and look away. I wanted to cry and take him in my arms and never let anything bad happen to him ever. But I couldn’t do that. I got up to go home. On any other day he would sleep near the door or follow me to take him for a spin in the car but that day he didn’t even look at me. My mom is a strong woman and has seen her kids be in pain, so has my dad but for my little sister and me this was the first time when someone younger to us  and as precious as him was in pain. Seeing the ones who can’t speak for themselves in pain is the worst sight in the world. All you have to do is bloody wait.

I held back my tears and walked out of the house. Every time we were in pain Kyro has licked our tears and has slept cuddling us. He being not a social being has the power to do that whereas we who have all the smartness and resources can’t take away his pain is frustrating.

The image of him lying on the floor filled my mind throughout the night. I had nightmares that I was going to lose him forever. Maybe I was being paranoid or the thought of not having Kyro in our lives was excruciating.  It was simply unacceptable.

Yesterday morning my parents and my sister took him to the vet for his x-ray.  It took four people to hold our little one to get his x-ray done and a lot of strength from my parents and sister to see him like that. The vet gave him another injection to soothe his pain. His reports showed early degenerative damage and arthritis. Hopefully it is all in the early stages and thus curable by medicines.

I went to see him yesterday. As soon as I rang the bell, I heard him bark and that was the most heart warming sound in my life. A sound of reassurance that all is almost well.  My eyes were filled with tears when I entered and saw him get up from the mattress and slowly walk toward me.  I sat down and he hopped onto my lap like he did always.

I sat with him for sometime and then he went to his bed and slept for sometime. I could give up anything in the world just to see him happy and pain free. The vet told us to be careful and not let him jump at all since his breed is highly prone to acute back problems.

As I got up to go he didn’t get up from the bed. He was too drowsy from the injection.  We were happy to see him take small steps to recovery.

Today morning I called my mom and she made me hear his squeaking sound playing with plastic balls. He had started walking already and was almost jumping again and they were having a hard time to keep him still. She was excited so were all of us to see him being himself again. The last 72 hours have been the most helpless, and painful hours of our lives. He completes five years on 25^th of this month and I pray to God that he should be happy and healthy forever and always.

I am on my way to go see him now and the rockstar that he is, by the time I get home I know there will be my little one waiting for me at the door.

Too many questions…..maximum answers……..

Why do marriages fail and relationships just trail off?
I have seen some amazing relationships fall apart and some weird couples making it through…but somehow I never came across that X factor that binds a relationship real close….Is it the interest that you gradually lose in your partner? Is love all about lust at first sight or is it really deep …if it is deep rooted then why does it wither away? There are so many questions which you want to ask yourself….what went wrong…where did I go wrong….but the problem is that these questions are triggered by the conscience when its too late…they say…better late than never….but what if it is already late enough??? Or what if it isn’t????


Is it fair enough for a couple in a relationship/ marriage to look outside for some fun?
Temptations are too strong too resist, especially the ones, which tamper with your libido. However, this fact is very much applicable to women as much as it is for men. With everything said and done, couples tend to outgrow each other; the sad part is that instead of trying to bring some spice in their life they try to search for the zing outside their relationship…which somehow they always get!! And with that zing/ fun comes the comparison of your partner with the added spice in your life which can either bring you back for good or take you away for better or for worse…Can this “some fun” be called infidelity and is it acceptable? Is it easy enough for a woman to take back her straying husband or vice versa? They say…variety is the spice of life….but is it the truth of life too????


How far will you go to save your marriage/ to make your relationship work?
Giving each other enough of space- can that be the mantra to survival. Why do we have to take so many extra steps to make a relationship work? Occasionally, it’s disheartening to see these efforts being made for somebody who doesn’t even deserve it. Making a sacrifice or giving up something for your partner doesn’t guarantee the sustained compatibility of your relationship….then why do we adjust and move and adjust and move……why can’t we just move on with the one we love…Is it so hard to make a relationship work.. they say love is priceless….. then why do we pay heavily for it?

Choice vs Choice

This is not something that comes from me…its an excerpt from a letter which a girl had written for her boyfriend… but somehow didn’t manage to give him…because by the time she could give him it was too late….

You broke your promise again! You promised me that you will never do this.. I wish I could just scream at you and fight with you but every single time I look into your eyes, I need to search for a reason to fight with you all over again… why do you do this to me every time..I thought you had realized your mistakes and you made me believe you all over again….

Why do somethings never change…
Why do some promises are never made….
Am waiting for the day..
When things will change
and promises will finally make their way….
And I will still love you all the way…

Coz one-day things will change and so will you
But don’t make me believe if it ain’t true..

Things never changed nor did you..
But why the hell didn’t I stop loving you..
I drape my love with seclusion
so that time doesn’t wither it away..
but something rolls down your eyes
and begs my heart to stay…

But I still wait today..for the promises you made
And the ones you broke….and as I sway past you,
How do I get through one night without you..
if I had to live without you what kind of life would that be…..

There are choices and there are choices…there are choices we make and there are choices that we would like to make….what matters is how conveniently we let other people decide our fate...because when it comes to something like love....there are no two ways about it..I wish you had made your choice a little earlier.....

"T"

Illusionary Vision or visionary illusion.

How many times have you dreamt of running naked on the streets? How many times have you visualized yourself unaided amongst thousands of people?

This is a dream that I see very often. It is too weird to see yourself in your own dreams without clothes. I mean come on being a girl I should be embarking on better flights of fantasy with some good men. But no, some anti- sexual fantasy element in my genes is not too happy or I wonder, is that so-called (or uncalled) element in my body another MCP. Ok now I am not an avid fan of sexism so back to my wired dreams.

I have always been a petrified child when it came to listening to ghost stories. Even the best of brainless horror Hindi flicks gave me sleepless nights. I used to dream of a massive orange kangaroo peeping into my room who always tried to scare the shit out of me. I visualized obese aunties with open hair and white chiffon saris with a candle and a yellow set of teeth walking towards me at night. These descriptions make a good laugh and the senseless visualizations is like added masaala but I know for a fact that I was only less of shitting in my pants when I dreamt of all this.

As I grew up, the aunties in my dreams transformed into Veerappans and some funny looking guys. One of those funny looking guys from my nightmares transformed into a horrendous skinny man who wore only a thick beard and red chaddis…I was busy shopping with my cousins for New Year’s Eve. I was no older than 12 years. The entire scenario still dances in front of my eyes..

We had finished shopping and were on our way home when my cousins (read: pretty girls) abruptly increased their pace. The sloppy girl that I am was lost in my own customized world when they asked me to walk quickly for reasons I did not bother to ask. I agreed and started hurrying up when I realized that I could not walk anymore. There was something funny holding me back. And all of a sudden, my heart sank when I realized that I was strangled with a thick rope around my waist. And when I turned around to see who was the person to do this Tarzan act, I was in for a déjà vu. That man was a living nightmare, (let me call him Skimpy) with no flesh and all bones covered with red chaddis and long hair and beard was staring at me. His bloodshot eyes were giving me the worst gawk I ever got in my lifetime of 12 years. I was flummoxed, I didn’t know if it was a nightmare again because I had never heard of anybody strangling girls in daylight on a highway..

It took me a minute to get my voice and senses back on track. I started with a squeaky shriek, which later transformed into the loudest roar. My cousins who were on the other side of the road were asking me not to move from the path. I was bewildered and didn’t know what to do. I started running towards the highway with Mr. Skimpy tagging behind me like the pug in of the commercials (Only the pug is one of the cutest forms of life and Skimpy was one of the ugliest). I had lost all my sanity (i.e. whatever I had gathered so far) when I was trapped. So the sight looked like: I was yelling at the highest notch level with my hands in the hair and running in long tight skirts and boots (whoever made long tight skirts for teenagers) towards the highway and Mr. Skimpy in his chaddis getting dragged. I know its too funny of a sight and I thank my luck that I didn’t bang into one of the trucks and buses speeding on the highway. There were traffic cops, hawkers and my cousins running behind me asking me to stop but I was on a different trip altogether. Maybe I could have outshone a marathon runner at that moment.

Had it not been for a street hawker then, I would have easily rammed into another bus speeding towards Skimpy and me. The good Samaritan caught hold of me and slapped me while Skimpy was smiling at my back. He took out the rope off my waist and slapped Skimpy and I think that was the most non-reactive slap I have ever seen. Skimpy was still grinning. What the hell did he think of himself that a teenager was eloping with him or was I his Jane? The traffic cops took Skimpy along and asked my cousins to take me home safely. My eldest cousin hugged me and I started crying my heart out. I was shivering, trembling, and passed out in my cousin’s arms.

I opened my eyes after couple of hours with the most soothing comfort of my parents around me. I was aware that I was out of Skimpy’s territory but the fear of him stalking me gave me creeps. This incident shook me and I couldn’t speak to anybody for couple of days because every time I opened my mouth to speak I thought that people would think even I am insane like Skimpy.

After a month, one of my mom’s friends told me that Skimpy was a mentally retarded chap who used to jump on the ceilings of the slums around and shit on them. He wore only his famous red chaddis and sometimes gave them an off too.
His hang out places were in my neighborhood and that gave me all the more reasons to get paranoid.

It took me quite sometime to put this silly (I can proudly call it silly after 12 years) incident behind me. I wonder what I would do now if Mr. Skimpy came and stood in front of me with his famous red chaddis. But this incident helped me bid goodbye to all the aunties, kangaroos and infamous personalities from my dreams.

I am and will always be indebted to Mr. Skimpy for the reality check that he gave me. Now as a grown up girl I have better personalities and bodies and…….. to dream about……J

P.S. Did Skimpy ever change his chaddis?

Matter of Choice or choice of matters

This is my first blog and I don't know what should I start with....I don't have an opening line either...but I have a thought which has been making frequent trips to my conscience.

I don’t know how much is too much for a woman to take things in her stride. I do not believe in moral policing but sometimes wonder at their tolerance intensity. Though I have never been on the receiving end of physical abuse but I have seen, heard and read about such mind shattering abusive incidents that I can’t help but wonder what would I do if were her…..

Sarika*was (I am using the term was because that is what she was) an ordinary girl from a middle class family who was always treated like a son since she was the only daughter. Her parents thought she was a blessed child since they were in their late 30s when she was born. She grew up with a large extended family and enjoyed every bit of her life. She was a pretty looking girl who was a tempting choice for guys since she led a fearless life…… (It was life till she got married…)
As she grew up, she got her share of attention from guys and had couple of encounters with the ones she liked. but the guys never got the good of her since she had her own reservations towards physical intimacy.

Soon after her last break up with her boyfriend on mutual basis, she got in touch with an old childhood friend who somehow always had a soft corner for her. She started living the phrase, “Love is blind”.. because with her beauty, brains and strength, she could have got any guy she wanted. But what she got was something (I stand by using the term something for Mahesh because referring him as somebody is not even human) loud, possessive and huge. It was a combination of beauty and the beast. she swore by his love and passion and he swore by her love and attention…they swore till all they could do was swear at each other….
She knew what she was getting into..because after some years of their relationship he started abusing her and accusing her of luring other guys towards her. He got so insecure within himself that whenever she blinked her eyes and smiled, he thought she was doing it for somebody else. For sometime he held on his horses but soon afterwards he let his imagination run wild. Every time he met her, he would get drunk and accuse her of sleeping with some guy. He started calling her names. She threatened to end things up but every time he cried and begged for mercy only to return to his sick behavior. I know you must be thinking that what kind of a girl would take anything like this. I have known her since ages and till today I regret that maybe if I had encouraged a bit more she could have broken up with Mahesh. The reason that fixed her feet on the ground was the relation that Sarika’s & Mahesh’s family shared. Both the families knew about their relationship and had started discussing it internally. Mahesh’s parents couldn’t have been happier as they had never expected a guy who drank, smoked and misbehaved would get a girl like Sarika. They were convinced that Sarika was the balance that Mahesh needed to stabilize his life. Little had they known……..
Post their relationship of 3 years, Mahesh and Sarika got married. The last time I saw the real Sarika was during her Bidaai…It’s been one year since they are married now. The first few times I got to meet her in rushes..and every time I met her, all she said that there is too much happening in her life and she wanted to speak to me about it. Finally after the 4th month of her marriage, I got to meet her alone. The Sarika I knew was gone long. What stood in front of me was the pale, fragile and frail version of Sarika with marks on her body. I was appalled to see the sight and wanted to take her in my arms and let her cry. But I chose the contrary..I somehow gathered the guts to ask her about the marks on her body
But she casually changed the topic. It took me lot of persuasion to finally get the truth out of her mouth. Her words still ring in my mind, “Khush, Mahesh has been drinking every single day and coming home. He expects me to work like dogs throughout the day and do all the chores and after that listen to his accusations and bullshit. Yesterday, when I warned him that I would leave him and go, he tried choking me and dragged me out of the room. He threw me like a useless piece of paper in front of his parents, brother and bhabhi on the floor. He started abusing me and went on calling me names. And you know what, instead of his parents & other people stopping him, they started blaming me. You know what they said; they accused me of instigating him to behave like this. Do you think they would have said the same thing if their son in law would have done this to their daughter? I was shocked. My mouth just went dry and I felt like committing suicide right there. I still have my parents to think about. I am their only child. I slept in the guest room last night & nobody bothered to even come and check if I was alive. How can somebody be so cold? You know Mahesh has been forcing me to have sex with him in spite of the fights we have and whenever I have refused to do so he has imposed himself upon me. A newly wedded couple makes love, go out for dates and help each other adjust with the changes. I didn’t know that this was transformed into getting raped by your drunken husband every alternate day, sit at home all day long doing household chores and then listen to all the crap that your husband gives you.”

For the first time in my life I didn’t have words to say. Female abuse happens in Hindi movies, it happens with illiterate and uncivilized section of the society. It cannot be happening to Sarika. Sarika, who slapped guys at railway platforms if they acted fresh, who shot back at anybody who stared at her, Sarika who was always proud of her straight forward attitude. That was my last conversation with her. Today I spoke to her after 9 months of her so called marriage. My heart skipped a beat when I heard her voice. She was sounding calm and indifferent. I asked her how she was and how were things with her. All she said was that she is used to everything now and has adjusted herself to Mahesh. She said she will speak to me later and hung up.
“Adjusted to Mahesh”……was a concoction of all the emotions that she wanted to express but couldn’t. Was she getting adjusted to being molested or raped every single day? Was she getting adjusted to Mahesh thrashing her everyday? Was she getting adjusted to her in laws treating her like inanimate object which is put only for display in front of the guests? Since today morning all these thoughts have been ringing a bell in my mind. The Sarika I knew is a hazed image of fearless life and fun. The Sarika I spoke to today is a dead soul trapped in a fragile body. I tried calling her many times…but of no avail….

As I said in the beginning that I do not have an opening line for my first blog, I shared something with every single person reading this or ignoring this thought which opens your mind.

Urbanization doesn’t imply civilization. In a city like Mumbai, there are people around you who have been a prey to abuse. What we need to realize is that for how long will they stay accustomed to this? Do you think that they will not get help if they ask for? How much is too much…is it a choice of personal matters or is it just a matter of choice…Who decides?